This is all what is left after 3 years

Sedih hati melihat:

1) Perpecahan org Melayu hari ni, apa punca? mengapa? dan kenapa? Betol ke org Melayu malas? tepuk dada tanyalah diri sendiri

2) Baki akaun bank yg semakin susut...perlu mencari kerja secepat mungkin, kalau x, Sarah nk mkn ape nnti

3) En.somi yg stress dan risau pikir pendapatan keluarga yg menjunam ke kosong akhir bulan nnti

4) Ramadhan semakin menghampiri, mungkin smbut raya ala kadar saje

Ujian maha berat, kita rasa kita da cukup susah, tp ramai lg org kt luar sana yg lg ssh dr kita, ntah makan ntah belum, dpt makan pon syukur alhamdulillah...mungkin kita terlalu selesa atau xpernah rasa hidup ssh...hidup mesti terus, tabahlah wahai hati...

My breaking point

I thought that I'm strong enough to face all this but then I realize I'm not. I think for few times before I decided to jot everything down here. Yeap...people may attack me on my weaknesses but I believe so not everybody is perfect. I, now at the edge of a cliff and at the edge of my breaking point. I think that I just wanna jump off the cliff and never have to face this. It was hard. A very hard time indeed for my family. I feel so sad and broken heart.

First, both of us have to resign in order to complete the stupid document for TPM so that our names can be forwarded to MOHE (and basically we're jobless and money-less at the end of this month).

Secondly, we didn't have any savings at all....and how are we going to survive if let say they didn't allow us to further our study?

Nobody cares about us, what happened to us, what's going on with our study. Beruntunglah sape2 yg ada org sggup fightkan, pegi biasiswa utk pegi belajar. Kami? I suddenly think that, buat ape la aku susah2 pikir hal org, org xpenah pikir ssh senang kita, bila kita senang ada la menumpang, bila kita susah, kita dan keluarga kita j yg duk bwh jambatan...I can imagine, me, hubby and Sarah live under the bridge. Who knows...somebody has cursed me before just for a simple mistake that I've done.

And then, I got the news when the place that I dream of working since my undergrad life hired somebody else. I felt betrayed. But I didn't hold any grudge or bad feelings inside. It's all have been stated in our qada and qadar dan rezeki masing2. Seriously, I don't feel a thing rite now. Nak menangis pon xdak air mata dah pon. Tapi rasa sakit tu masih ada. I hereby declared, I've forgiven everybody and keep myself strong. Hopefully I will be strong now and forever. Ameen.

Orang 'jual ikan'

Orang jual ikan, kita pon kena jual ikan jugak la. Sbb org lain xkan pikir pasal masa depan kita, karier kita ataupun segalanya dlm alam pekerjaan ni, masing2 pikir diri sendiri, janji lepas b**t*t masing2. Tu yang jadi sedap2 je kata 'haaa....bg mimi la, mimi ja yg free, mimi ja yg xdak keje, mimi ja yg terperuk kt opis x g workshop, mimi ja yg x g blaja smpai bila2'....dan alasan mereka 'kitorg sebuk berkursus, kitorg sibuk cari tmpt nk PhD, dan sebagainya!!!'

Hello! saya pon sibuk, sibuk nk uruskan g blaja, sy da 3 tahun terperuk kt sini, org lain da boleh confirm sy duk sini lg. Apa la masalah korg ek xnk sgt tgk sy boleh smbung blaja??? sy kacau rumahtangga awk ke? periuk nasik awk ke? ada?? whatever la, sy pon nk JUAL IKAN jugak la ye...lantak la!

Perjuangan Yang Belum Selesai

Saya bukanlah nak menulis tenatang politik atau segala bagai yang berkaitan dengan politik. Saya bukan penyokong kerajaan mahupun pembangkang, cuma sy terpanggil untuk menulis memandangkan keadaan skrg semakin serius. Perhimpunan mahu dibuat dan kebanyakannya terdiri dari golongan sebaya saya yg menyokong. Apakah kita mahu menjadi seperti negara-negara luar yg berpecah antara satu sama lain hanya kerana kita diserang dari segi "war of perception"? Kita mula curiga kepada org2 sebangsa kita. Kenapa kita perlu berpecah sesama kita. Kenapa kita perlu menyokong individu tertentu hanya semata2 utk digunakan utk kepentingan individu tertentu? Kita cetek ilmu, membaca malas apatah lagi mahu memahami Perlembagaan negara. Kita hanya belajar Sejarah, semata2 mahu pass exam, isi, dan pengajaran langsung kita x ambil pusing. Tetapi kalut dan kecoh mahu bersorak ke sana sini. Untuk apa? apa yg kita dpt? membaling anggota keselamatan dgn batu? mencederakan mereka? kita pula dpt semburan air dan gas pemedih mata? SAMA-SAMA MELAYU? yang sama2 punya anak bini di rumah utk diberi makan?

Saya sayangkan negara dan bangsa saya. Saya kongsikan video di bawah ini untuk dikongsi bersama, fikirkanlah terutama generasi muda. Fikir secara rasional bukan emosi. Jangan kita jadi juara kampung, menang sorak kampung tergadai. Gadai maruah bangsa dan negara kita? Fikir-fikirkanlah...Sesunguhnya perjuangan kita belum selesai...Jika benar kita mahukan Negara Islam, berarak dan bergaduh sesama sendiri bukanlah caranya. Saya sedih. Wahai golongan muda, janganlah kamu abaikan hak mengundi kamu, jangan kita kata "argh...saya xsuka politik, sumer kotor, sbb tu sy xmengundi". Persepsi itu salah...Saya pernah berkata begitu juga pd diri sy. Tapi skrg sy sedar, sy perlu menggunakannya demi anak2 saya di masa depan. Kamu juga.

Khellleessss ko maria (tajuk pinjam)

Hahahaha...ayat di atas dipinjam dari kwn sy, Huda. Ape yg khelless nya?? yela...menipu xhengat, khellesss la tu. Orang da xnk...watpe la kita terhegeh2 lg. I think that's it la, biar la mereka dgn kaum kerabat mereka. Berkumpul la ramai2 kt sana. Aku? Bior la aku gagah sendiri kt sini.

Tapi memang epik la penipuan kali ni. Kata dan sebarkanlah citer palsu dan ape2 je nk citer. Sy ok jeww....hahaha and I will be. Xde grudge atau dendam pon. Sy hepi. Rezeki masing2. Sy teruskan cita2 sy walaupun jln sy xstraight mcm org lain, penuh liku. Tapi sy tetap akan kuatkan semangat dan teruskan perjuangan ini.

Last but not least, I'm done with the excuses and lies. Enough and I continue my own way and path. Thank you!

A little bit more

Don't give up just yet
Just a few more steps to go
Maybe it's just the mood today
That make me feel like it's over
That I have no other choices that I have left
Be strong
You can do it
It's all in the head
If you think you can do it
You do
I believe!

Salah nama? Salah jantina?

Hahaha...tajuk sikit punya xleh blah. Bukan ape, bukan saje2 nk kecoh. Tapi aku sedikit terkilan la dgn warga Malaysia. Kalau tang nama org buat tutup sebelah mata ja. Bukan xdisertakan sekali IC...ni IC da siap da ngan gmbr PEREMPUAN BERTUDUNG...pi jugak letak nama aku ELHALMI la HELHAMI la...yg paling best....panggil aku SAUDARA atau TUAN...aku perempuan la wei...tensen jerk...motip? please take note la mende2 mcm ni, tgk betol2 nama org tu...kan da ada BINTI sah2 la dia perempuan...ni bukan kes Asyraf nk jadik Aliah ye...kamon la people!

Tahap kemalasan maksima

Ngape malas? xtahu la ngape malas. Patotnye da xleh malas2. Dah kena masuk gear 5 siapkan everything before bulan 9. Huhuhu...ntah sempat ke x. Dengan kerenah birokrasi itu ini. Nk surat itu nk surat ini...I'm not sure whether I can settle everything on time. Terasa penat. Sgt2 penat. Bilik pon da macam tongkang pecah. Sbb tu kut jadik malassss (alasan!!! lempang diri sendiri laju2)...muahaha.

So far, I manage to settle 2, 3 benda je. Da dpt offer letter from UCL (yg sgt susah nk dptkan tmpt), setelkan sumer2 dokumen jpa nak (partially), and then deferkan offer UNSW. Tak tahu la tu sempat ke x intake July 2011. Hopefully sempat la. Da penat pikir mende2 alah ni. Nk sambung blaja pon sikit punya susah.

Then, nk kemaskan bilik kut2 la kena perambat kt org kan kasik laluan kt org lain...hahaha. Pastu nk setelkan borang2 (bukan sikit...boleh buat jilid buku borang2 tu sumer...kihkih) dan matikan setem perjanjian yg ado 4 tu ha.. aku xlari ke mano laaa...mmg terikat ngan gomen haaa

I just pray that from now on, everything's will go smoothly, yess, have faith!

Kawan

Awak xnk kawan saya?
Xpelah...saya xkisah
Lagipun sy xpenah buat pape kt awk
Awk judge sy pon berdasarkan citer org
Lgpon setengah org suka tambah2 citer bg menyedapkan lagi citer dia
Saya x amik hati pon
Saya ada kawan yg betol2 kenal hati budi saya
Saya xsuka kawan yg stab my back
Saya xsuka kawan yg bercerita hal bukan2 tentang saya kt org lain
Saya xsuka kawan yg suke mempengaruhi org lain utk nk tunjuk pengaruh dia
Saya juga xsuka kawan yg mulut manis dan suka mereka-reka citer
Saya tahu mungkin ada yg memang anggap sy begitu
Tapi seriously saya xkisah...yang penting Allah tahu hati budi saya
Dan saya akan sayang dan jaga kawan yg betol2 kawan saya sampai mati

T_T

Nothing else I can do right now
Except for being set back and cried
Why is it so hard
Why is it sooo difficult for me
Is there any blessings in disguise?
I don't get it
What is wrong with me...
Terasa diri ini sungguh lemah dan kerdil
Mahu saja tido, lemah, xberdaya
X mampu nk buat pape
Kenapa payah benar?
Am I being cursed by someone for the rest of my life....
Serabut...terasa ingin berhenti berharap...

To do list

Mengada-ngada nk to do list kt sini jugak kan. Bukan apa, takut lupa. Semenjak dua menjak makin 'muda' ni...selalu ja lupa. Kunci bilik pon main selamba ja tinggal kt toilet. WTH...hahaha. Okay, mintak cuti,sudah. Tanda logbook, sudah. Key in markah je belum. Hehehe, tunggu 1 komponen lg from my colleague. Hurm...survey2 hotel dan resort kt langkawi tp malangnya, yg berkenan di hati sumer penuh. Huh....

Xpe2, nnti cari lg. Utk esok ngan lusa mmg sibuk ngan SAAG (success as a graduates) utk student2 yg bakal graduate dan akan diinterview oleh bakal majikan mereka. Then hari jumaat ingt nk setelkan borang2 TPM yg maha byknyer tu...lenguh wei isi borg TPM tu.... Pastu on Monday maybe (hopefully xjadi...hahaha) ada meeting. 1 haram content utk meeting aku xbuat lg. Xsempat mak nk buat laaaa....

And...tang ni paling best! Cuti da approve!!! Yaahoooo....nk g mana?? nnti I hapdet ya....rasa mcm da lama sgt xbercuti. The last one sebelum gave birth to Sarah. Now Sarah is almost 1 year and 2months. So maknanye da dekat setahun xbercuti....mana la xmandom...kuikui (alasan...kalau da malas tu malas juga kan)

The thing is.....En.Rajin silalah mendampingi saya sekarang!! I need you right now...

p/s: harap maaf...entry ni mmg xdak motif dan content mmg terabur...hade haku kesah?? belog haku,suka hati I la kann....hihihi

Rajuk yg pjg...

I have a lot of work to do now, but I can't really focus...firstly I don't know why lately I'm not so that productive in terms of work...secondly, my left hand is aching badly...mungkin sbb tido salah atau terlalu byk menaip,tp humang aih, mmg sakit la...and thirdly because I'm not in the mood of doing work,hahaha, my Mr. Mood has lost somewhere.

Puas da pujuk hati supaya rajin...boleh? tapi kenapa xrajin2 ek, mesti ada something yg sdg mengganggu pale hotak aku ni...yup, mmg betol pon. Yup, I think too much, about what people did to me. I'm thinking because I didn't get the answer why I deserve to be treated like that. Jahat sgt ke aku ni? buruk sgt ke ropa aku ni? buruk benar ke kelakuanku? why I can accept others flaws but when it comes to me, everybody just slam their judgement on me? why? oh why?

Why I didn't deserve a spot over there? Am I not that good enough? Am I not Islamic enough? Merajuk ar camni...xpe ar kalau gini, hehehehe,mcm bdk2 kecik je, tp true enough...I told my heart just to get over with it. Just forget that place, the people and everything. Just keep the best and sweet memories only and good people too to be remembered. Maybe it's true I didn't deserve the place. Others do. They are excellent and good enough to be there if compared to me. So just forget the u to the i to the a then.

Now, let's focus of what we have today, right now right here. Make the best of it. If people still think negative about me, I tell myself...who cares...I'm still the only one surviving here. I will and still survive. I didn't bother much about people saying me as 'manja, bekeng', and what not to list down the bad side of me here....hell ya, I do have flaws and I'd done terrible things and bad things in the past that I've regretted throughout my whole life. But life must go on, isn't it? By the way, not everybody is perfect though...we tolerate each other. If you treasure me, I treasure you the most. Simple. You don't care about me, I still care about you...

I do have flaws, but I'm a normal person. I've learn from my mistakes. I'll forgive whatever people have done to me, say about me...Cause I believe that will make me become more tranquil and peace. I do love and treasure my friends the most and my family (of course). Thank you for being around me and support me even though I'm a bad person. Let's be positive.

Bertabahlah, dunia bukan kekal selama-lamanya, apa yg dicari di dunia fana ini...pangkat & harta hanya perhiasan duniawi. Rezeki itu ada walau lambat atau cepat. Tersenyumlah dan dunia akan tersenyum dengan mu.

Terfikir sejenak

Keje banyak memang xsoh cakap la...logbook duk menimbun tunggu nk ditanda, sampai naik muak da nk menanda...kikkiki, tapi itu tanggungjawab dan tugas sebagai cikgu kan...so harusss la kena buat dengan hati yang IKHLAS...

Ok berbalik kepada tajuk entry ini, banyak mende yg buat aku terfikir sejenak lately...bila duk tanda kertas jawapan anak2 murid, yg mana2 xperform tu, terfikir jugak la, di mana silapnya...kami ke yg xmengajar cukup bagus sampai ada yg xperform langsung atau attitude student tu sendiri?? kadang2 kita da bg lebih dan bitau, ajar banyak kali,tp kenapa still xmasuk dalam otak dorg? I wonder, are they being ignorance or we didn't do a great job to educate them? tapi kenapa ada yg boleh perform?? haiyyaa...

Another thing is, terfikir sejenak tentang org yg nk kije sbg cikgu tp asik2 komplen byk keje...kalau xnk tanda kertas, xnk itu xnk ini, xpayah la jadik cikgu. Keje ni mmg mulia tp the pay is not as good as what u can get outside...xkan nk ckp byk aje,tp output xdak in terms of hasil kerja...Walk the talk man!

I only hold on to this principle...'I want to excel because I really do, not because of I step on others toe nor jeopardize others' Itu sahaja. Hidup ini sementara, apa yg kita duk ckp pung pang sana pung pang sini, lambat laun balik semula kt kita. Saya cuma nk keje cari rezeki halal utk bg anak sy makan, dan sebagai amal sy di kemudian hari.

If only I can change the world...I WILL!

Aku Janji

At last, after a few months of headache and nightless worry, we have come to our decision. After istikharah and puasa, we succumb ourselves to the Almighty to show us the best path. After all, only He who knows the best, rite. Kita sebagai hamba hanya mampu berdoa dan memohon kepadanya.

First and foremost, kami bukanlah main2 mohon sana. Memang segalanya nampak indah di mata kami yg di sana. Tp apakan daya....bukan rezeki kami di sana. Tiada tempat utkku di sana. Kami tidak mahu berjauhan. Apa akan jadi pada Sarah jika kami berjauhan. Kalau masing2 single x apalah juga kan. Baik buruk di sini, kami tetap diterima di sini. Walau org cop sy macam2, kata itu ini, perangai sy mcm tu mcm ni, kurang ajar dgn lecturer, tp masih ada yg mahu menerima.

Mungkin itulah rezeki kami...sy sendiri pon xtahu apa yg kejarkan sgt di sana. Mungkin iri hati tgk org lain...mungkin. Tapi hidup perlu diteruskan dgn apa yg Allah kurniakan pd kita dgn cara kita. Only we have to make the best out of it. Maka cukuplah setakat ini cerita di sini atau di sana. Sudah termaktub di situ.

Sambil2 sy mengomel tntg di sini atau di sana. Sebenarnya ada baaaaaaaanyaaaaaakkkk lg keje xsetel...hehe, jom tgk checklist i:

1) skrip jg emcee esok (esok ada seminar...haruskah i jadi emcee???)
2) bincang ujian lisan (cewah, ujian lisan tuuu...)
3) collect soklan ujian lisan....

ceh...tu ja ka ceklist?? mcm panjang sgt, hampeh tul!

p/s: mungkin juga kami sudah terkena sumpahan 'akujanji'....hamek kau!!

Frustration after frustration

It's already 11.33am and I didn't start a thing on my work table. I haven't finish marking my student's assignment and lab reports, and also prepare the external examiner file. I still felt sore and numb from the yesterday news and today's event.

Yesterday, after we came back from, like normally I do, I will check the post box. I found a letter from oversea. I already knew it's going to be a bad news. I opened up the envelope and the letter says

"we're sorry to let u know that we can't offer the awards to you due to high competition and limited places"

My heart sank, I knew I didn't get that scholarship. I feel sooooo exhausted...and I think I had enough with all these scholarship thingy. Then, sy ajak suami sy puasa 3 hari berturut-turut dan istikharah 3 malam berturut-turut starting tomorrow. Sy da xlarat da nk pikir. Allah knows the best for us.

After the bad news, I went to bed with sore eyes. Sy sudah xlarat nk menangis, hinggakn da xde air mata lg utk dititiskan...Woke up this morning, siap2 nk g keje, siap2 duk dalam kete, tibe2 suami startkan enjin, enjin xmoh start...da sudoh....kete xleh start la pulok.

Sent few messages telling that we're gonna be late to work today due to our car. Pomen dtg, jump kete,then dia idup balik. Okay lah, drive to work to Puncak Alam. Xmatikan kete pon masa hantar Sarah ke taska. I have a feeling that the car will not gonna start again. And....my instinct is correct. Sampai ja opis, hubby try start balik kete, dia xnk start da....what does that mean???......................$$$$$.............. DUIT la.................pi beli bateri baru. Sekian!

Penantian

Da byk hari xhapdet blog...ceh, mcm la ada org sgt yg bacakan bende2 yg aku merepek kt sini. hehehe. Anyway, xkesah pon xdak org baca. Asalkan boleh dijadikan kenangan dan diari aku esok lusa di hari tua nnti (cewah gitew...). ekceli baru ja pulang dr hospital sg buloh pi jumpa oftalmologis depa bincang psl posting and so on. Hehehe rupe2nye...hospital itu amatlah dekat ngan umah aku. Bak kata ore kelantan 'dekat ceh tu jah,ingt ko mano la' hospital tu berjaya dijejaki menggunakan gps tepon e5 aku,ada guna gak la kiranya tepon tu.

Ni plak da balik semula ke Puncak Alam. Tgh tunggu en.somi yg ada case study yg xabes2 lg. Lambat la pulak hr ni, huhuhu. Aku pon cek la emel sebarang dua kut2 la ada biter baik kan.............tapi............hampa....xdak reply pape pon, yillek........sedey2x....xpe2, tunggu lagi, sabar2....

Tapi kan aku sedih la skrg, terpaksa PJJ ngan husband aku start bulan 5 ni. Boleh ke aku survive sorg2 ngan Sarah kt KL ni. Sarah tu da pandai wat opera dlm kete. Mahu la berdarah anak tekok tu dio duk melalak dlm kete nnti. Rumah kitorg jauh, bukan dekat ngan Puncak Alam,ngerti??

Itu la yg aku duk pikir2 skrg ni...kalau aku ikut, aku xdak keje. Xkan la aku xkeje, hutang byk ni nk kena bayar,huhuhu,harussslah aku kena keje...aku nk keje kt mana? org kt sana bukan nk amek aku,sedey2x lg sekali....hahaha, pasrah la gini. Aku xnk dan xmintak simpati sape2 pon, depa xkan paham kalau xkena kt depa. Xpa la, mcm trademark aku 'Ujian adalah tarbiyah dr Allah' jadi bersabarlah.... Mungkin ada sinar pelangi dlm idup aku suatu hari nanti. Ameen =)

Perfect

Da lama da cari lagu ni yg cleaner version punyer. Ye la kan karang aku share kt blog org kata aku suka dgr lagu mencarut plak. Tapi lagu best utk aku. Sbb amat2 terkesan di hati. Yer la kan org suka mengkritik, jadik sbg manusia biasa harussss la aku akan berasa tertekan atau down bak kata omputih. Dulu mmg aku emo & manja. Tapi skrg aku da xberapa layan sgt da emo & manja aku tuh. Lantak pi la. Dulu aku sgt2 amek port apa org kata psl aku, ape org xpuas ati psl aku, ape aku da buat kt org. Skrg lantak pi la. Lu pikir la sendiri. Aku da xngesah dah. Sbb selama ni aku sgt2 menjaga hati org smpai bila da hati sdri da bleh bwk masuk ICU baru aku tersedar yg aku selama ni menganiaya diri sdri. So layankan je le lagu dgn liriknya ya. Kalau xsuka, terpulang. By the way, hade haku kesah?? haahahaha

Kekesalan seorang anak

Tgh duk nk buat keje, dtg la sorg rakan sekerja numpang print..lalu dia ternampak salinan IC ayah aku. Lalu dia berkata:

"eh...ayah ko da 76 da tahun ni"

Pang!!!! satu penampar kt pipi aku oleh aku sendiri. Byk sgt duk berkhayal, duk lagho, duk berduka lara sampai da xingat kat ayah yg da tua kt rumah...

Azam aku, nk sgt100x berbakti kt ma ngan babo aku sbelum terlambat. Yelah, dorg da tua, da byk sgt jasa dorg pd aku. Bahkan aku sgt rasa bersalah especially pd babo aku. Dia amat2 sygkan aku, but in the end, akulah anak yg paling xberjaya. Yg paling xdpt nk menyumbang itu ini pd dia. Huwaaaaaaa......(udoh,udoh, karang banjir jugak krg Puncak Alam ni ha).

Motip?? Kepada yg masih lg bertanya dan duk kata itu ini, ni haa, senang aje, sy nk keje tetap so that masa depan sy terjamin dan sy boleh berbakti pd mak ayah sy selagi masa masih ada. Masa sy pon da terhad da...xtahu la kalau xreti2 lg pikior!

Sabar dan teruskan berdoa

Hari ni, tgh duk pening2 isi borang yang maha banyak tu (time ni la dan dan rasa nk jadik anak tunggal, sbb penat nk kena isi adik beradik ramai!), en.somi call.

"I da confirmkan dgn org kt sana. Dia kata g tahun depan"

Prangggggg.....dgr x bunyi hati aku pecah ala-ala bunyik gelas pecah terhempas ke lantai...Kecewa lagik. Mungkin bagi dia itu yg terbaik. En.Somi xpe muda lg, boleh tunggu2 smpai tahun depan. I? huhuhuhu...very the cannot. Tapi nk buat mcm mana, xkan kita nak paksa2 org suh antor kita g belajor secepat mungkin. karang kacau perancangan org lain plak...

Rasa nk jerit bior bangunan ni runtuh atas aku boleh x? da xdaya da den nk mikior hala tuju idup...aku cuma kesian kt mak bapak aku. Bila la depa nk merasa duhet hasil titik peluh anak depa ni. Bukan xcukup gaji skrg, tp duk kt KL ni,cukup2 utk kami sekeluarga..aku sedih sgt2, org sekeliling xpaham...duk tanya

"ngape kalut sgt nk pi blaja, duduk la kt situ, habeskan KONTRAK"

Kami pon punya impian seperti org lain. Nak jugak merasa ada rumah sdri. Nk jugak ada keje yg buleh secure masa depan. Tambahan pula, kami ada anak kecil. Perlu besarkan dia (kdg2...mummy rasa sedih xdpt bg ape org lain boleh bg kat Sarah, tp xelok kan compare2)...

So, in conclusion. I'm the least successful one. I still think that from the beginning the moment I step on bumi Kuantan back in 2004, it was the wrong decision (pd sape2 yg dulu2 penah dengki dan rasa nk jadik sy dulu tu, ur life now better than mine, so u should be happy...) hahaha..tapi I know, itulah adalah ketentuan Allah, percaturan Dia utk kita. I don't blame it on my 'takdir'. But I just want people to stop judging me, and accept me the way I am...Saya bukan kakak kepada sape2, saya bukanlah sahabat terbaik, saya bukanlah anak yang paling taat, sy bukanlah hamba yg sempurna. Semua org ada kekurangan dan kelebihan. Jadi shall we give and take? (ape aku ni da melalut ke lain ni??)

Tapi itulah hakikat yang perit yang terpaksa kami telan. Harap-harap orang sekeliling lebih memahami situasi kami. Kami bukan suka-suka terpaksa buat tindakan dan keputusan sebegini...If you think the world is unfair to you, it is, it's never gonna fair. Allah dah tentukan rezeki masing-masing...So be it!

Simple Plan - Welcome to my life lyrics

Let the lyrics described what I feel at this moment.

Melancholy

Today, while we were 'lepaking' on Sunday, my husband got a call from a very important person. We were quit surprised that he called and he was quite concern about us (not to mention others who didn't care at all and lied!). His advice was so meaningful and wise. At this point, I think I've reached my breaking point. I think I had enough of all this undecided thing. Where to go? Where to stay? Where to work? What I want to be and what I want to do with my life. Cause all this does not make any sense at all. I don't understand why some people don't want me. Why they are so afraid to take me. Or not afraid but hate me that much. As far as I'm concerned I've never hurt anyone there nor treat them badly (except for that one incidence in which I was rude to one of them and I regret the hell out of me and keep asking for forgiveness till now actually. But the person seems don't care at all).

And there we are. At the junction of the two road again. Both road do not promise anything and I seem to be an invisible person to anybody. I am not that important to be considered and to be given a chance to shine I guess. But I have faith in Allah. I know He knows the best for me. Just that my time has not arrive yet. So be patience and keep having faith. Faith!

Kejarlah mimpimu

Dari sekolah rendah, bila cikgu tanya, awak nk jadi apa bila besar nanti. Jawapan aku 2 je 1) doktor 2) pensyarah. Bila da meningkat dewasa, keinginan untuk mengajar anak bangsa dan mengubah destini mereka, maka keinginan untuk mendidik terpahat kemas dalam hati. Doktor...hurmmm sorry, I mabuk darah, especially yg mengalir tu...OMG, my body cannot tahan la...hahaha. Bukan xsuka tgk Grey's Anatomy. Sgt2 suka. Kdg2 tu bila saya down masa jaman unibersiti dulu, I watch Grey's for motivation and inspiration. For me, the story teaches me a lot in terms of friendship and determination to succeed.

Bila masuk sekolah menengah, I join the science stream sbb nak belajar Biologi. Punya la minat Bio kann, Kimia suka jugak sbb Cikgu Fauziah best (kat mana da Cikgu Fauziah tu...) Fizik...mmm yillek. Hahaha. And alhamdulillah, I scored my SPM with flying colors. Pehtu kena paksa UTM urgh...belajar Fizik seems like learning all the notes in a music class. Iwas lost and didn't know what I was doing 5 months in UTM. kehkeh...Nasib baik ada kwn2 best (Eti, Mas, Ah, Kiena, Intan, and Syarod...I love u guys so much)

to be continued....(anak den nanges mintak susu, pehtu den nk landing jugok la)

Gini la alkisahnya

Ok x tajuk tu
Alkisahnya, aku tukar template
pastu aku xtau camne nk log in
Ada ka patot??
Xpatot...ye dok
Sepatutnya, I should be writing an email to 2 important
Make 1 important call and
discuss 1 important issue
but i haven't done any
Reason? xtahu la ngape la aku malas yg amat ni
sape mandrem aku, angkat tgn cepat
bolehlah kan pi salahkan org len plak
and I also have to check my students' work
Nk mengganti lab dan kelas lg
ye la mcm gagah sgt la kan ko tu
pi amek keje2 org...
tp org akan tolong ko ke?
cececece
membebel & meroyan plak kan aku ni
xpe...motto aku hr ni:

Be positive, think positive, never look back of what had happened, Insya Allah positive thing will happen to you

Demam dan penyakit 'M'

Weekend hr tu xbuat pape pon
melepek terjelepuk sbb demam
*pd anak muridku...mdm mintak maaf byk2
sbb xsempat pon nk cek first draft korg

xlarat sgt2 and ditambah plak dgn penyakit M kan
M tu paham2 laa..ntah bila ntah virus 'R' nk dtg
adoi la...nk wat entry psl birtday sarah pon xlarat
malas nk upload gambar boleh?

Protect your dreams :.

This is exactly what I'm going to say to my daughter
When he was struggling with his career
He was 28...just like me
I will continue to pursue my dreams
Nobody can tell me that I can't do it
I will NEVER QUIT

We finally made up our mind :.

Yeppp....we finally came up to a decision
The decision may not be the best
But we think why not we give it a try
It may cause us a big difficulty
But we have promised ourselves
By hook or by crook
We never be apart
We are going to live our lives together
Through better or worse
Pray for us ya
Till then...we meet again =)

To my precious daughter :.

No mountain too high for you to climb
All you have to do, is have some kind of faith
No river is too wide
for you to make it across
All you have to do, is believe when you pray

And then you will see the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
Hold on to your fears, cast them on me
I just want you to see

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I hear your voices when you call me
I am your Angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your Angel, I'm your Angel

I saw your tear drops and I heard you cry
All you need...
is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It don't have to be this way
Let me show you a better day

Then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your day will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears just cast them on me
How can I make you see

And when it's time to faced the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep us safe and warm
I know we will survive
And when it seems as if your end this growing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put trust on the sky

Mummy will always be your angel

I'm officially serabut :.

Serabut
After submitting the ERGS form
Makin serabut jadiknya
Decision have been made
So...skrg serabut pikir nk choose yg mana plak
Serabut dgn keje2 org yg sy kena ganti
Bukan berkira...
Tapi kalau org tu xnk tolong diri dia sendiri
Macam mana org lain nk tolong
Ape lg yg nk difightkan
Kalau kta berjuang skalipon kt tmpt lain
Belum tentu kita kalah
Ntah lah...terpulang pd tuan punya badan
Jgn org lain bertmbah serabut dgn entry sy sudah....
Hahahahha

Splash time :.

Hari Ahad lalu
Saja je selam bdk kecik ni
dalam kolam
Da siap2 beli pelampung
for babies segala
sekali masuk je dlm pelampung
Huwaaaaaaaaa
loud volume terusss
Bdk2 kt situ pon terkejut
'eh eh dia nangis'
hahahaha
anak sapa la bdk kecik ni
Tapi walau pape pon
papa ngan mummy sonok tgk bdk kecik ni =)

Birthday surprise with BFF :.

Ni citer outing ngan my BFF hari tu
Baru nk buat entryla kann
Thank you to Danee, Gpa and their hubbies
For the lovely outing
Kitorg g mkn2 kt LikiLiki kt Wangsa Maju
Dekat jo ngan ruman Puan Danee
Makan chim chum
Bestnyer!!!
Hanya RM19.90 je satu kepala
cececece promote la plak kan...
Enjoice!

Tiup jgn xtiup!

The BFF- Gpa, Danee & Mimiey. Friends forever guys ;)

The cake!

The budak boolat dgn anaknye and the steamboat pot (erkkk...yeke??)

What I want to be :.

I wanna be an ordinary person
With an extraordinary dreams and ambitions
There's nothing wrong being ambitious rite?
All is well ;)

The thing I hate most :.

Hari ni masuk opis
Jumpa menatang ni
Geli la woi
Pi la main jauh2
Mintak mahap la
Aku mmg xsuka kt hang
Gemuk, putih gebu plak tu
Terus xmahu mendekati meja kerja
Hahahaha
Agaknya, it's a sign for me to leave the room

This is one of the thing that I hate most
Go away!!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

*pic google, geli mak nk amek gambor hang

Things I want to do :.

If I was not destine to be an academician, here are the things that I want to do:
1) Be an expert and a very good clinician (at least one day I can teach based on experience)
2) Sign up for a swimming class
3) Sign up in a Mandarin class (want to finish what I've started)
4) Sign up with Malaysian Relief Agency ( da kontek da pon org tu, at least if my dreams to be an academic staff isn't fulfill, I want to help others as much as I can, hidup ni kalau xnyusahkan org pon da cukup baik)
5) Make the best of our life, not to get involve who don't want me and just being me.
6) Yeah, 1 more thing, I want to learn sign language. Want to be in 'their' world and be with them and know what they feel.
7) Go travel anywhere and everywhere whenever we have time.
Enough said... don't want to be stress out anymore, enjoy life, avoid stress, eat healthy, exercise regularly...done, decision has been made. FULLSTOP!

The road not taken :.

I guess if I want to be on the other side

I have to make myself busy
For example
signing up in a swimming class
go to the sign language class
or go to Mandarin class
How I wish I can do everything that I wanna do here instead
If I advice my husband the other way around
I find myself as a very selfish person
Hurmm...xkan nk lepaskan peluang keemasan kan...
Ujian sumer ni, bertabahlah..

Lifehouse - Broken

Best ever song! Enjoice =)

Making the right decision :.

I'm wide awake now
I just couldn't sleep
Thinking about our future
My family's future
For me, my family is everything to me
Family is my first priority
And whatever the decision that I will make
I don't to drag others into my problem
Life is not about envying what others have and we don't have
It's about living our life to the fullest
Making the best out of it

So, the choice is yours?
Academician or a clinician?

Nak tukar profesion boleh? :.

Agak2 la kalau sy xjadik optometris
Sy akan jadik ape ye
Tu la dulu2 org suruh amek medic ngan farmasi
xnak....
kan da xdak keje...
Why la you're so pathetic?
Hoping that the same place that reject you will accept you
kan da keciwa 2 kali
ngoks la....
But I'm okay
Tapi normal la kan kalau sy sedey??
Sy pon cuma manusia biasa...ye x?
Xpe...xdak rejeki la tu
Doa byk2 lagi ya =)

La Tahzan :.

Jangan bersedih
Rezeki ada di mana-mana
Mungkin apa yg kita nak
Bukanlah yg terbaik utk kita
Tapi sbg manusia biasa
Rasa sedih tu tetap ada kan
The job is not mine
Kalau Allah kata itu rezeki kita
Maka itulah rezeki kita
Jadi...lupakan sajalah niat mu itu wahai Elhami
You're not meant for it...

Confused :.

I'm confused...
Whether to follow my husband
and forget about my dream job
yet no future
Nor to follow
and be near to my family
and become jobless...
What should i do?

Tanggal 23 Februari :.

Tanggal 23 Februari 28 tahun dulu
Lahirlah saya ke dunia ini
Hari ini di kala usia menginjak ke angka 28
Hanya terdapat 1 kekesalan di hati
Iaitu tidak dapat berbakti kepada kedua org tua
Dengan keadaan skrg, sy xdpt menghulurkan bantuan kepada mereka
Kita hanya merancang
Allah jua yg menentukan
Tapi sy xpernah sekali-kali menyalahkan takdir
Mungkin ada sinar cahaya di sebalik kegelapan
Ada sinar harapan di hujung terowong
Hanya doa yg mampu kutitipkan kepada kedua org tua ku
Tanpa mereka, siapalah kita
Selagi hayat dikandung badan
Selagi itulah kita akan cuba membahagiakan mereka
Bila da xde nnti, baru nk menyesal, ape la guna kan...
Ma & Babo...terima kasih atas segalanya T_T

Terima kasih Cinta :.

To my other halves
Happy Birthday dear
Hope that we have a great year ahead
And many happy returns
Thank you for always being with me
Through ups and down
Even though I can be very silly at a time
With a stupid mistake
But you were always there
Me and Sarah love ya so much

I'm gonna give what they want :.

They want me out of here
So be it
Why it's always me have to be other 'black goat'
or 'escapee goat' (I don't even bother whether this word exist or not
I have had enough
Thus, I'll choose the hardest path
They force me to do so
Others will fill my 'place'
So be it

p/s: Hati ini sungguh sakit, mengapa wujud orang2 sebegitu? Mengapa org sebegitu yg disanjung dan dipuja...I'm confused, adakah dunia sudah terbalik? Yang mana betol yang mana salah juga saya tak tahu...Let Allah decide, only He who knows the BEST and what's in human's heart...Hari ini hari awk,esk lusa belum tentu~

Hanya mampu berserah :.

Baru-baru dpt emel dr sana.
Emel tu berbunyi lebey kurang begini:


p/s: Dear Kak Samantha, how I wish I'm rich enough to support my own study.
Dear En.Gaban sila jadik Dato' atau Tan Sri ya supaya sy xpayah sambung blaja atau
keje....seronok!!

Tapi sambung belajar tu is one of my dream...hurmm, I guess I'll just pass it to my husband instead...

I miss this moment :.

Dear friends,

I miss this moment so much.
We eat. We laugh together.
We study. We quarrel. We cry.
Together.
Thank you for being my friends.
Miss u guys a lot.
Love,
Mummy Sarah

Songs Featured On Grey's Anatomy: "The City Lights"

Love the melody ;)

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Source from here.

Chevening

What is chevening?
It's a scholarship by the British Council.
I've applied for the scholarship.
Hope that my 'rezeki' is there.
I know, this scholarship is the MOST sought after.
And....bukan calang-calang org yg dapat!
Ok, yes! Saya takut...
Tapi I just try, who knows...my LUCK is there.
Ameen.

Please pray for me...
Hoping that ada scholarship yg sangkut~

Emergency

Ape yg emergency??
Kalu air xdak dikira emergency la kan?
kalau aircond xdak sy bleh tahan panas lg
ni kalau air pon xdak mmg xleh tahan
rasa nk balik je
da la org demotivated nk gi keje
save bajet smpai air pon potong
toilet fakulti da bau mcm toilet awam
euwwww~
Bos...nk balik boleh??

Secondhand Serenade-Goodbye lyrics

Ditujukan kepada seseorang.
Ni pon rasa nk nanges nengok lirik dia~

p/s: awat la aku emo pepagi senin ni!

Maher Zain - Insha Allah | Insya Allah | ماهر زين - إن شاء الله

Rasa nak nanges tiap2 kali dgr lagu ni~ ;(

Giving Up

I think it's time for me to give up and to lose hope.
It doesn't matter how hard I've tried and I've strive.
Everything seems doesn't work the way I want it.
Pointer tinggi-tinggi pun xmenjamin pape.
Kalau tau la gitu, baik la wat cincai2 je masa undergrad dulu.
Feels like wanna take Sarah adn go back to my hometown.
But what shall I do after that? I also don't know.
I don't even have plan B, C or D.
It's time to giving up hope.
So be it.

Miracle

Miracle please happen to me
Just once
This time around
2009-I got married
2010-I gave birth to Sarah
2011-I just pray that I can further my study
Just that...only that
Dear Allah You know the best for me~