Aku Janji

At last, after a few months of headache and nightless worry, we have come to our decision. After istikharah and puasa, we succumb ourselves to the Almighty to show us the best path. After all, only He who knows the best, rite. Kita sebagai hamba hanya mampu berdoa dan memohon kepadanya.

First and foremost, kami bukanlah main2 mohon sana. Memang segalanya nampak indah di mata kami yg di sana. Tp apakan daya....bukan rezeki kami di sana. Tiada tempat utkku di sana. Kami tidak mahu berjauhan. Apa akan jadi pada Sarah jika kami berjauhan. Kalau masing2 single x apalah juga kan. Baik buruk di sini, kami tetap diterima di sini. Walau org cop sy macam2, kata itu ini, perangai sy mcm tu mcm ni, kurang ajar dgn lecturer, tp masih ada yg mahu menerima.

Mungkin itulah rezeki kami...sy sendiri pon xtahu apa yg kejarkan sgt di sana. Mungkin iri hati tgk org lain...mungkin. Tapi hidup perlu diteruskan dgn apa yg Allah kurniakan pd kita dgn cara kita. Only we have to make the best out of it. Maka cukuplah setakat ini cerita di sini atau di sana. Sudah termaktub di situ.

Sambil2 sy mengomel tntg di sini atau di sana. Sebenarnya ada baaaaaaaanyaaaaaakkkk lg keje xsetel...hehe, jom tgk checklist i:

1) skrip jg emcee esok (esok ada seminar...haruskah i jadi emcee???)
2) bincang ujian lisan (cewah, ujian lisan tuuu...)
3) collect soklan ujian lisan....

ceh...tu ja ka ceklist?? mcm panjang sgt, hampeh tul!

p/s: mungkin juga kami sudah terkena sumpahan 'akujanji'....hamek kau!!

Frustration after frustration

It's already 11.33am and I didn't start a thing on my work table. I haven't finish marking my student's assignment and lab reports, and also prepare the external examiner file. I still felt sore and numb from the yesterday news and today's event.

Yesterday, after we came back from, like normally I do, I will check the post box. I found a letter from oversea. I already knew it's going to be a bad news. I opened up the envelope and the letter says

"we're sorry to let u know that we can't offer the awards to you due to high competition and limited places"

My heart sank, I knew I didn't get that scholarship. I feel sooooo exhausted...and I think I had enough with all these scholarship thingy. Then, sy ajak suami sy puasa 3 hari berturut-turut dan istikharah 3 malam berturut-turut starting tomorrow. Sy da xlarat da nk pikir. Allah knows the best for us.

After the bad news, I went to bed with sore eyes. Sy sudah xlarat nk menangis, hinggakn da xde air mata lg utk dititiskan...Woke up this morning, siap2 nk g keje, siap2 duk dalam kete, tibe2 suami startkan enjin, enjin xmoh start...da sudoh....kete xleh start la pulok.

Sent few messages telling that we're gonna be late to work today due to our car. Pomen dtg, jump kete,then dia idup balik. Okay lah, drive to work to Puncak Alam. Xmatikan kete pon masa hantar Sarah ke taska. I have a feeling that the car will not gonna start again. And....my instinct is correct. Sampai ja opis, hubby try start balik kete, dia xnk start da....what does that mean???......................$$$$$.............. DUIT la.................pi beli bateri baru. Sekian!

Penantian

Da byk hari xhapdet blog...ceh, mcm la ada org sgt yg bacakan bende2 yg aku merepek kt sini. hehehe. Anyway, xkesah pon xdak org baca. Asalkan boleh dijadikan kenangan dan diari aku esok lusa di hari tua nnti (cewah gitew...). ekceli baru ja pulang dr hospital sg buloh pi jumpa oftalmologis depa bincang psl posting and so on. Hehehe rupe2nye...hospital itu amatlah dekat ngan umah aku. Bak kata ore kelantan 'dekat ceh tu jah,ingt ko mano la' hospital tu berjaya dijejaki menggunakan gps tepon e5 aku,ada guna gak la kiranya tepon tu.

Ni plak da balik semula ke Puncak Alam. Tgh tunggu en.somi yg ada case study yg xabes2 lg. Lambat la pulak hr ni, huhuhu. Aku pon cek la emel sebarang dua kut2 la ada biter baik kan.............tapi............hampa....xdak reply pape pon, yillek........sedey2x....xpe2, tunggu lagi, sabar2....

Tapi kan aku sedih la skrg, terpaksa PJJ ngan husband aku start bulan 5 ni. Boleh ke aku survive sorg2 ngan Sarah kt KL ni. Sarah tu da pandai wat opera dlm kete. Mahu la berdarah anak tekok tu dio duk melalak dlm kete nnti. Rumah kitorg jauh, bukan dekat ngan Puncak Alam,ngerti??

Itu la yg aku duk pikir2 skrg ni...kalau aku ikut, aku xdak keje. Xkan la aku xkeje, hutang byk ni nk kena bayar,huhuhu,harussslah aku kena keje...aku nk keje kt mana? org kt sana bukan nk amek aku,sedey2x lg sekali....hahaha, pasrah la gini. Aku xnk dan xmintak simpati sape2 pon, depa xkan paham kalau xkena kt depa. Xpa la, mcm trademark aku 'Ujian adalah tarbiyah dr Allah' jadi bersabarlah.... Mungkin ada sinar pelangi dlm idup aku suatu hari nanti. Ameen =)

Perfect

Da lama da cari lagu ni yg cleaner version punyer. Ye la kan karang aku share kt blog org kata aku suka dgr lagu mencarut plak. Tapi lagu best utk aku. Sbb amat2 terkesan di hati. Yer la kan org suka mengkritik, jadik sbg manusia biasa harussss la aku akan berasa tertekan atau down bak kata omputih. Dulu mmg aku emo & manja. Tapi skrg aku da xberapa layan sgt da emo & manja aku tuh. Lantak pi la. Dulu aku sgt2 amek port apa org kata psl aku, ape org xpuas ati psl aku, ape aku da buat kt org. Skrg lantak pi la. Lu pikir la sendiri. Aku da xngesah dah. Sbb selama ni aku sgt2 menjaga hati org smpai bila da hati sdri da bleh bwk masuk ICU baru aku tersedar yg aku selama ni menganiaya diri sdri. So layankan je le lagu dgn liriknya ya. Kalau xsuka, terpulang. By the way, hade haku kesah?? haahahaha

Kekesalan seorang anak

Tgh duk nk buat keje, dtg la sorg rakan sekerja numpang print..lalu dia ternampak salinan IC ayah aku. Lalu dia berkata:

"eh...ayah ko da 76 da tahun ni"

Pang!!!! satu penampar kt pipi aku oleh aku sendiri. Byk sgt duk berkhayal, duk lagho, duk berduka lara sampai da xingat kat ayah yg da tua kt rumah...

Azam aku, nk sgt100x berbakti kt ma ngan babo aku sbelum terlambat. Yelah, dorg da tua, da byk sgt jasa dorg pd aku. Bahkan aku sgt rasa bersalah especially pd babo aku. Dia amat2 sygkan aku, but in the end, akulah anak yg paling xberjaya. Yg paling xdpt nk menyumbang itu ini pd dia. Huwaaaaaaa......(udoh,udoh, karang banjir jugak krg Puncak Alam ni ha).

Motip?? Kepada yg masih lg bertanya dan duk kata itu ini, ni haa, senang aje, sy nk keje tetap so that masa depan sy terjamin dan sy boleh berbakti pd mak ayah sy selagi masa masih ada. Masa sy pon da terhad da...xtahu la kalau xreti2 lg pikior!

Sabar dan teruskan berdoa

Hari ni, tgh duk pening2 isi borang yang maha banyak tu (time ni la dan dan rasa nk jadik anak tunggal, sbb penat nk kena isi adik beradik ramai!), en.somi call.

"I da confirmkan dgn org kt sana. Dia kata g tahun depan"

Prangggggg.....dgr x bunyi hati aku pecah ala-ala bunyik gelas pecah terhempas ke lantai...Kecewa lagik. Mungkin bagi dia itu yg terbaik. En.Somi xpe muda lg, boleh tunggu2 smpai tahun depan. I? huhuhuhu...very the cannot. Tapi nk buat mcm mana, xkan kita nak paksa2 org suh antor kita g belajor secepat mungkin. karang kacau perancangan org lain plak...

Rasa nk jerit bior bangunan ni runtuh atas aku boleh x? da xdaya da den nk mikior hala tuju idup...aku cuma kesian kt mak bapak aku. Bila la depa nk merasa duhet hasil titik peluh anak depa ni. Bukan xcukup gaji skrg, tp duk kt KL ni,cukup2 utk kami sekeluarga..aku sedih sgt2, org sekeliling xpaham...duk tanya

"ngape kalut sgt nk pi blaja, duduk la kt situ, habeskan KONTRAK"

Kami pon punya impian seperti org lain. Nak jugak merasa ada rumah sdri. Nk jugak ada keje yg buleh secure masa depan. Tambahan pula, kami ada anak kecil. Perlu besarkan dia (kdg2...mummy rasa sedih xdpt bg ape org lain boleh bg kat Sarah, tp xelok kan compare2)...

So, in conclusion. I'm the least successful one. I still think that from the beginning the moment I step on bumi Kuantan back in 2004, it was the wrong decision (pd sape2 yg dulu2 penah dengki dan rasa nk jadik sy dulu tu, ur life now better than mine, so u should be happy...) hahaha..tapi I know, itulah adalah ketentuan Allah, percaturan Dia utk kita. I don't blame it on my 'takdir'. But I just want people to stop judging me, and accept me the way I am...Saya bukan kakak kepada sape2, saya bukanlah sahabat terbaik, saya bukanlah anak yang paling taat, sy bukanlah hamba yg sempurna. Semua org ada kekurangan dan kelebihan. Jadi shall we give and take? (ape aku ni da melalut ke lain ni??)

Tapi itulah hakikat yang perit yang terpaksa kami telan. Harap-harap orang sekeliling lebih memahami situasi kami. Kami bukan suka-suka terpaksa buat tindakan dan keputusan sebegini...If you think the world is unfair to you, it is, it's never gonna fair. Allah dah tentukan rezeki masing-masing...So be it!

Simple Plan - Welcome to my life lyrics

Let the lyrics described what I feel at this moment.

Melancholy

Today, while we were 'lepaking' on Sunday, my husband got a call from a very important person. We were quit surprised that he called and he was quite concern about us (not to mention others who didn't care at all and lied!). His advice was so meaningful and wise. At this point, I think I've reached my breaking point. I think I had enough of all this undecided thing. Where to go? Where to stay? Where to work? What I want to be and what I want to do with my life. Cause all this does not make any sense at all. I don't understand why some people don't want me. Why they are so afraid to take me. Or not afraid but hate me that much. As far as I'm concerned I've never hurt anyone there nor treat them badly (except for that one incidence in which I was rude to one of them and I regret the hell out of me and keep asking for forgiveness till now actually. But the person seems don't care at all).

And there we are. At the junction of the two road again. Both road do not promise anything and I seem to be an invisible person to anybody. I am not that important to be considered and to be given a chance to shine I guess. But I have faith in Allah. I know He knows the best for me. Just that my time has not arrive yet. So be patience and keep having faith. Faith!